Identity theft and how I became John-jimmy Goldstein

Looking at my recent debit card transactions I found some very odd purchases. $300 at target, Walgreen and Menards. I know you all know I am a huge fan of all those places but to spend over a grand at those places seemed a bit fishy. So I called my bank to have my card stopped and investigated for fraud. My bank was good enough to send me some lovely forms to fill out and recommended I stop by the police station to fill out a report of theft. As I was saying to a friend this whole thing really hasn't bothered me as much as the fact it's actually making me do stuff. Of course you all know how much I hate to do stuff when its not sleeping or eating or sitting of some kind. I am not concerned that I won't get my money refunded, I am more concerned about what the person bought. If they bought 300 dollars worth of white snake, bon jovi and def leopard that is going to be on my credit record forever! So I propose I just become a new person. A blank slate to become whoever I want. I am thinking I want to be 1/4 black 1/4 white 1/4 Asian 1/4 Hispanic. That way I get to make fun of every person on earth with out offending them! Imagine the possibilities. I can wear a traditional clothing of every culture the Kaftan, the sombrero, a pair slippers and a green or pink sweater vest(dependant on the day). So from now on just call me by JJ, Brian has fled to Canada.